Why does being Healthy have to be so Damn Hard?

I want to be able to snap my fingers and miraculously never want to eat crap food again. But that isn’t going to happen. I want to wish on a star and wake up thin and in shape. But that isn’t going to happen. Why does being healthy have to be so damn hard?

This post has been a long time coming. I’m not sure why I haven’t been able to sit down and get this all out until now. I’m hoping that by sharing my journey, two things will happen.

1. Someone will see my story and realize that their journey is much like mine and they are not alone.
2. I will realize that I have come so far and that this is not a destination, but a journey that never stops (or at least when it does, that’s it folks!)

The Before

My entire life I have been up and down with my weight and never happy with myself. But I reached my peak in December of 2004 about 5 months after my youngest child was born. I weighed about 185 lbs and on a 5 ft frame…that is a lot. I was tired all the time. I had 4 kids and the last two were 16 months apart and I felt miserable. But it wasn’t just the fact that I didn’t look good. I also had a lot of aches and pains. My stomach hurt all the time. I don’t even look happy.

The Decision

I decided that on 1/1/05, I was going to make a change. These are the before pictures I took:

Those pictures are very difficult for me to look at now. Even though I had just gone through 2 back to back pregnancies, I can’t believe I let myself go to the point of looking like that. But, I won’t dwell on that. There is more to this story. This time it all clicked. I was tracking my points (Weight Watchers), drank 8 glasses of water every day and I was working out.  Why does being healthy have to be so damn hard?

The Ups and Downs

By no means was the process easy. I would go down 10 lbs, then go up 5, then go down 20 lbs and go up 10 lbs. After 1.5 years of this I was down to 135 which was a total of 50 pounds gone from my body. But, now I was stuck! I was stuck emotionally and physically and heading up instead of down. But before I get to that, here is where I was at 135:

I felt like a new person. I had a lot of energy. I could keep up with my kids. I didn’t have a lot of aches and pains. My stomach didn’t bother me. I felt strong and even sexy. But, emotionally I was stuck there for quite some time. I did all the things you are “supposed” to do…change your workout routine, lower the calories, add a high calorie day to the week and nothing was happening. I was really ready to just give up after 6 months of being stuck and decide that is where I was going to be forever, even though my goal was still 20 lbs away. Again, why does it have to be so damn hard?

Getting Unstuck

Then I saw a post in a message board for The Biggest Loser Digi Style. I loved watching The Biggest Loser and I loved digiscrappin so it seemed a match made in heaven. I signed up and was part of the yellow team. That turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I met so many wonderful women who are still some of my best friends.

The Goal

We supported each other, laughed, cried and cheered each other on. And on May 18, 2007, I hit my goal weight of 115. That meant I lost a GRAND total of 70 lbs. I owe a lot of that goal to the support of my friends on the TBL board. First, the pictures:

The Joy

I felt on top of the world. I couldn’t believe that I had actually accomplished what I had set out to do 2 yrs and 5 months ago. I swore I was never going to gain any of it back again. Shopping was so exciting. I could go into Old Navy, grab a pair of size 4 shorts and they fit so comfortably. I could wear pretty much anything I wanted and I had more energy than I imagined I could ever have. I would get up early to do yoga, eat healthy all day, and workout at night, get 7 hours of sleep and do it again.

The Emotions

But there was one thing wrong…my brain still thought I was fat. I still thought like I was fat. Like at any moment it was all going to be taken away. I still thought everyone was staring at me and looking at my body. I still thought about food 24/7. It haunted me. Why does it have to be so damn hard? I felt like I didn’t deserve this. And then….this happened….

The Pain

I ended up in the hospital for almost a week with an unknown pain. This began a long journey of tests, doctors appointments, medications, pain killers, surgeries, and disappointments. No one seemed to be able to figure out why I had what appeared to be an appendix pain, but absolutely no sign of anything wrong physically. Several doctors just washed their hands of me and I’m sure they thought I was after the percoset.

At first, I was able to keep my energy and spirits up, but with each test and appointment with no answers, my spirits started to fail me. Finally, I found a doctor who was willing to go in and do exploratory surgery to see if they could find something that didn’t show up on the tests. I need to back up for a second and let you know this was the 3rd round of this same unexplained pain that I’ve had in 3 years. It all started after I had my gall bladder taken out.

Without getting into the nitty-gritty details (that will be a whole other post, or maybe several posts), I had exploratory surgery in July of 2007 and they found nothing. In October of 2007, I had a total hysterectomy and then in December of 2008, I had my appendix taken out. As of now, my pain is pretty minimal and I can control it with diet and medication. It is better than it ever was, but not gone.

The Roller Coaster

But after my surgeries and months of pains, I slid into a slight depression (and menopause now). I was on Zoloft and estrogen to help with the menopause symptoms, but I completely lost the energy to workout, eat right and live a healthy lifestyle. I blamed my surgery and pains. For a while, that was probably true, but I let it go on for much too long.

I slid right back into all my old habits and cycles. I would start each day swearing this was the day I started my healthy journey, only to eat something bad by Noon. Well, since I messed it up already, I might as well just blow the whole rest of the day and start again tomorrow. The saying “there is always tomorrow” is great, but it can be a good excuse too. Then I would feel really guilty about “failing” and eat more. It is the perpetual roller coaster I haven’t been able to get off (and I hate roller coasters). Why does it have to be so damn hard?

The Present

This brings me to the now. I have gained 25 lbs. I do not drink enough water. I do not eat healthy foods. I do not workout regularly. I am tired all the time. I am not sleeping well at night. I am short-tempered. I get sick a lot.

I don’t know who that person is and I don’t like looking in the mirror. I feel ashamed, disappointed and angry. But, yet I haven’t been able to do anything about it. I’m not sure what has been stopping me. But one thing I do know is that I can’t let it go on. I worked so hard to lose the 70 lbs and I can not let the pain and surgeries get the best of me. I have to stop using that as an excuse. I’ve wasted enough time and it has to stop.

The Future

Today I started counting my points with Weight Watchers again. I am going to start training with EA Sports Active and run in a 5k on October 17 with my kids and friends. I have set a goal of the December 31, 2009 as my deadline. Deadline for what? To evaluate and set a new goal. I need to decide this is my life. This is the way it’s going to be. It will be a struggle every day and I need to live with that. I’m sure it’s like a recovering alcoholic. You don’t ever stop wanting the drink, you just have to say no.

I will share the journey with you all here. The ups and the downs, pictures, videos, scrapbook pages and all. One tool that has helped me a lot is my scrapbooking. I have scrapbooked the entire journey and printed it out into a book which I keep close by. I will continue to do the same. I will not let this get the best of me. I promise!!

So, once again I ask…Why does being healthy have to be so damn hard? This quote sums it up best:

For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice – no paper currency, no promises to pay, but the gold of real service.
~ John Burroughs

Are you with me? I know I can not do this alone. Support is the most important part of this journey.